Dear Abby,
From the moment I saw your darling little jaundiced face and perfectly round head I had feelings I had never experienced before. What surprised me the most over the years is how much "mommy guilt" I have felt.
You know how I hate surprises. I would have given anything to have known boy or girl. Technology wasn't what it is today and they just couldn't tell. Had I known you were a girl, I would not have called you Benjamin my entire pregnancy. I wanted a girl so bad that I had convinced myself I was having a boy. Crazy. I know. I am thankful you have no gender issues from those first 9 months.
When people would ask me if I wanted a boy or a girl I would give them the politically correct answer.
"I don't care as long as it's healthy."
but what I really wanted to say was,
"I want a girl."
I didn't have a sister and so I really needed you to be a girl. To fulfill that void in my life. Someone to laugh with. Shop with. Share clothes with. (I'm wearing your hand-me-down jeans as I write) Most importantly, someone to talk and share life with. I started talking to you from the minute I found out about you. That is why you have been talking, like an adult, since the age of 1. That is how I always talked to you. Like a big person.
The first few months of life with you were rough.
I was under the impression that babies ate and slept. I wasn't prepared for the constant crying (colic) and constipation and eczema. And all you wanted to do was nurse. You wouldn't take a Binky. Just Mama. All those cloth diapers. Then you wouldn't take a bottle. What that means is that we didn't ever leave the house. For 12 months straight. We were home. Or in dad's noisy truck getting you to be quiet.
You outgrew the crying. And dad gave you an enema. You walked at 9 months. Completely potty trained at 18 months and FINALLY quit nursing. Over time we learned more about your skin issues. In particular, your pine allergy. I'm sorry for making you endure years of pine Christmas trees. It does explain your excessive crankiness and skin rashes around the holidays.
We also learned more about your asthma and allergies to every single tree, grass, fruit, vegetable, nut and meat. I'm sorry for not believing that carrots and cantaloupe and watermelon and corn made your throat itch and swell up. I'm sorry for not taking you serious when your face was turning purple and you grabbed your throat and muttered "IT'S THE CARROTS!" Who knew you could be allergic to carrots? I believe you now.
I always tell people you were ready for college at the age of 5. That is not an exaggeration. You were very bright and also very independent. In kindergarten you arranged the kids in the line so when the PE Teacher numbered off your friends would be on the same team. Ms. Gullborg caught on to you, though, and told us she had NEVER had a 5 year old "fix" the teams.
When you were young my only goal was to beat you at Dr. Mario. You provided me with hours of healthy mother/daughter competition. You were really good at Nintendo. Way better than me. It was only natural that you and I made the perfect Pitch partners. WINNERS!
You have never been afraid to try anything. I admire your competitive spirit and have learned so much from you.
I will always remember cheering you on at the Aqua Pup tournaments. It was me and Dad and Annie and all the other swimmers (even swimmers from the other towns) who had already finished the relay. We would all cheer you on because you were always the last swimmer. We were just as proud when you finally climbed out of the pool as if you had finished first. You always wore that black, waterproof Timex watch like it was your badge of honor. Your eyes were swollen for three months straight because of your latex allergy and your goggles were latex. And I just shrugged it off as a sunburn. Please forgive me for not finding latex free goggles sooner.
I was so proud when you went out for track in middle school. You did not come from an athletic family and I am glad you did not ever let that stop you. What I remember most about your experience in track isn't how fast you ran but how you got all your clothes and jewelry stolen out of the locker room. Which reminds me that you also had your purse stolen. And most recently your stuff stolen in Chicago. You've had more stolen in 21 years than most people have their entire life. I'm sorry for that.
When you were three you wanted to name your new little sister Mabel. Dad put his foot down and frankly, I'm glad he did.
Darling daughter of mine, there are many things I would like to do differently if I had the chance but one thing I wouldn't change is the person you have become. You were always the kid who followed her heart. You are very self-confident. I adore your sweet and kind spirit and contagious laugh. I miss you terribly but know you are living your life as only you can.
Happy 21st birthday to my favorite winner! I can't wait to see how you change the world!
XOXOXO
All my love,
Mom
When people would ask me if I wanted a boy or a girl I would give them the politically correct answer.
"I don't care as long as it's healthy."
but what I really wanted to say was,
"I want a girl."
I didn't have a sister and so I really needed you to be a girl. To fulfill that void in my life. Someone to laugh with. Shop with. Share clothes with. (I'm wearing your hand-me-down jeans as I write) Most importantly, someone to talk and share life with. I started talking to you from the minute I found out about you. That is why you have been talking, like an adult, since the age of 1. That is how I always talked to you. Like a big person.
The first few months of life with you were rough.
I was under the impression that babies ate and slept. I wasn't prepared for the constant crying (colic) and constipation and eczema. And all you wanted to do was nurse. You wouldn't take a Binky. Just Mama. All those cloth diapers. Then you wouldn't take a bottle. What that means is that we didn't ever leave the house. For 12 months straight. We were home. Or in dad's noisy truck getting you to be quiet.
You outgrew the crying. And dad gave you an enema. You walked at 9 months. Completely potty trained at 18 months and FINALLY quit nursing. Over time we learned more about your skin issues. In particular, your pine allergy. I'm sorry for making you endure years of pine Christmas trees. It does explain your excessive crankiness and skin rashes around the holidays.
We also learned more about your asthma and allergies to every single tree, grass, fruit, vegetable, nut and meat. I'm sorry for not believing that carrots and cantaloupe and watermelon and corn made your throat itch and swell up. I'm sorry for not taking you serious when your face was turning purple and you grabbed your throat and muttered "IT'S THE CARROTS!" Who knew you could be allergic to carrots? I believe you now.
I always tell people you were ready for college at the age of 5. That is not an exaggeration. You were very bright and also very independent. In kindergarten you arranged the kids in the line so when the PE Teacher numbered off your friends would be on the same team. Ms. Gullborg caught on to you, though, and told us she had NEVER had a 5 year old "fix" the teams.
When you were young my only goal was to beat you at Dr. Mario. You provided me with hours of healthy mother/daughter competition. You were really good at Nintendo. Way better than me. It was only natural that you and I made the perfect Pitch partners. WINNERS!
You have never been afraid to try anything. I admire your competitive spirit and have learned so much from you.
I will always remember cheering you on at the Aqua Pup tournaments. It was me and Dad and Annie and all the other swimmers (even swimmers from the other towns) who had already finished the relay. We would all cheer you on because you were always the last swimmer. We were just as proud when you finally climbed out of the pool as if you had finished first. You always wore that black, waterproof Timex watch like it was your badge of honor. Your eyes were swollen for three months straight because of your latex allergy and your goggles were latex. And I just shrugged it off as a sunburn. Please forgive me for not finding latex free goggles sooner.
I was so proud when you went out for track in middle school. You did not come from an athletic family and I am glad you did not ever let that stop you. What I remember most about your experience in track isn't how fast you ran but how you got all your clothes and jewelry stolen out of the locker room. Which reminds me that you also had your purse stolen. And most recently your stuff stolen in Chicago. You've had more stolen in 21 years than most people have their entire life. I'm sorry for that.
When you were three you wanted to name your new little sister Mabel. Dad put his foot down and frankly, I'm glad he did.
Darling daughter of mine, there are many things I would like to do differently if I had the chance but one thing I wouldn't change is the person you have become. You were always the kid who followed her heart. You are very self-confident. I adore your sweet and kind spirit and contagious laugh. I miss you terribly but know you are living your life as only you can.
Happy 21st birthday to my favorite winner! I can't wait to see how you change the world!
XOXOXO
All my love,
Mom
1 comment:
beautiful...both your post and your amazing kiddo! Happy b-day Abby.
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