I'm not Lucy

Is a persons character shown by how they treat their family? Or is it how they act around their friends? Or what about how they treat their employees? Or what they do at Church?

It is strange to me that people act different depending on their location.

Maybe it is me who is strange. My expectations are always too high, I know.

After all, we ARE only human. (Sunday School answer)

my dilemma

I have two perfectly good cabana boys and no pool...

simply adorable

Baby Jack and Baby Sophie

your next dinner menu

I know you want to invite me over for dinner but you are worried what you could possibly make. No need to fret.

All you need to do is give me an apple. That's it.

Not pork chops and applesauce.

Not apple dumplings.

Not even your yummy apple pie.

Just a plain ole' apple. Because an apple is the one food that I can eat. I prefer Fuji, please.

So when do you want me?

I am what I eat

I read a book a couple of weeks ago about being happy without being perfect. That book was so enlightening for me. I did not realize it but it is true. Perfectionists tend to think that they are in complete control of their health and well being. What that means is that I feel like a failure if I get sick or have something "wrong" with me. I should be able to control my health with my choices. Over the years, 10 to be exact, I have completely down played my health issues. Now that they are progressively worse - I need to figure this all out. I can no longer blame the hot tamales.

After being gluten free for many months and still having some "issues" I am now onto round 2 of what the heck is wrong with me. I have an appointment with a GI doctor and a scope. Lovely. Beautiful. I have done this before and I know I will survive. I'm not so sure I will survive the diagnosis, however. I am working really hard not to go to the extreme and think that I need to have my affairs in order because I have one foot in the grave. I am an all or nothing type of girl!

My general practitioner thinks I have Colitis. I have already made the decision (based on the dx) to go with the alternative route. I am not going to be taking a bunch of medicine. I am also making other changes. I have also been reading a lot about plastics. I think I am going to stop drinking out of plastic water bottles (at least making sure they are the safe ones) and am reconsidering how I cook my food in plastic. Am I overreacting? probably. I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a haystack. BUT I am bound a determined to figure this out.

I am ever so slowly turning into somebody I never thought I would.

Wanna come along for a ride in my VW van?

a boy who is 8

I know about 8 year old boys. I had two little brothers. Thus - the reason I hoped and wished for little girls. That being said - nothing compared when I had a little guy to call my own. He had my heart from his very first breath. Every minute. Every day. And then he turned eight. And my love for him is more than ever but now I am reminded once again of little boys. The good. The bad. The ugly.

Friday night he fell out of our tree when the branch broke. Late at night (during the wild party) he came crashing down from way up high. If I have told him once I have told him a thousand times not go clear to the top where the branches are more like twigs. He was not hurt but he was scared. He was scared for at least 2 hours after the fall. He slept between his mommy and daddy all night.

Yesterday, during the sermon at church - he told me that church gives him a head ache. Then he covered his ears. Then he needed to blow his nose. And then he needed to go to the little boys room. Then he came back and announced that his friend Emma was in the hallway ALL BY HERSELF and why didn't SHE HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH?! And then he covered his ears and crawled onto the floor. Then he announced that he was bored. And then I whispered that if he could not sit through church he sure was not going to be able to sit through a movie later in the day. And then he DID NOT WHISPER that he COULD sit through a movie. I went home and took a 2 hour nap.

Last night, I was trying to figure out when I could go and see the new babies. Tonight seemed liked the best option. Abe also has a game tonight. So, I asked him if he would be OK with me going to the hospital and not being at his game. He looked at me and said, "Mamma - who will cheer for ME? You are the only one who comes and cheers for ME?"

Around 2 this morning, Abe came into our room for a drink of water. He has water by his bed, too, so I asked him why he came to drink mine. "Mamma's water is better," he said, "and while I am here can I just crawl up there with you?"

No matter what -he will be my little guy and I will always be his cheerleader. Even when he is on my last nerve.

What I learned at college

Well, it is official. Annie is enrolled as a college freshman. They told us the bill should arrive the middle of July and then it will really sink in. We had a great day and I learned a lot. Here are some of the things I took away from freshman enrollment.

• It is much easier to get into town then to leave town. For some reason - we could not find our way to the highway. We eventually made it home, however.
• People do not shut off their cell phones. No matter what kind of seminar we were in - somebodies phone would ring. Sometimes - more than once.
• I got a free t-shirt! Now I have something to wear to my first ever college football game!
  
• There is not near as much diversity at our state college as there is at Abby's private college downtown Chicago.
• I felt like a poor little German girl in the Be you. Be Greek. meeting. Those parent's were way into getting their kids into the "best" sorority.
  
• I have never heard any of the songs or who sang them on Annie's I-pod.
• The college will not accept Annie's AP Art credit.
• When you let your 18 year old daughter school shop for her 8 year old brother - he will be going into 3rd grade looking like a frat boy!
• I should not have to enroll any child at college by myself. Randy stayed home with Abe and I was way out of my comfort zone being "on my own."
• There were hundreds of parents in the financial aid meeting trying to figure this out. Just like us!
• The upcoming freshman class is the largest and smartest in the history of the college. The average ACT score is 24 and the average GPA is 3.6.
• Just because the classes are open when you meet with your advisor does not mean that they will still be open when you actually enroll. 15 minutes later.
• When the academic dean started talking about The Rise of Europe class or Intro to Cultural Anthropology - I decided I could never make it through college myself.
• When you are an Art Major you get a really easy schedule. I'm thinking Annie should be on full ride academic scholarship next semester!
• You can tell the difference between a studio art major and a "marketing" art major by their appearance.
• You can re-take up to five classes (in your college career) to improve your grade but you cannot take the same class five times! somebody actually asked that question.
• The best way to be experience success at college is GO TO CLASS! GO TO CLASS! GO TO CLASS!
  

They're here!

Jack Thomas 5 pounds and 2 ounces
Sophie Evalyn 5 pounds 15 ounces

I have 4 nephews and 4 nieces!

telephone

Sometimes it slips my mind how old I really am. I know that I have 2 grown children (OK. And a third grader) but I just putt along and think I am somewhere between 25 and 35. And then I will remember something and it jolts me into my reality.

Like yesterday. Randy was on his cell phone. I was on my cell phone. Annie was on her cell phone. Besides thinking about brain cancer I had something else pop into my head.

When I was growing up there were not cell phones. There wasn't even caller ID or call waiting. Or answering machines. Or push button telephones. Or cordless phones. Back in the dinosaur days - we only had one phone line. I was so thrilled when my dad surprised me with my very own phone in my room. Of course, when a crazy ex-boyfriend would call at 3 a.m. the entire family knew about it.

Some things never change, like teenagers talking on the phone. And we did like to talk! And in my teeny tiny town if you talked on the phone for more than 5 minutes - the phone company would automatically disconnect you. And before that disappointing disconnect there would be a 60 second warning. And sometimes (usually) my mom would tell me that I could talk until the buzzer then I had to get off the phone.

And then somewhere far back in my brain I remembered that some families were lucky enough to have a "teenagers line." A phone line designated just for the kids. Then you could talk your heart out without a parent threatening you within an inch of your life to get off the phone.

I asked Annie if she knew what a "teenager line" was. Of course, she had no idea.

I just can't help to think how my life would have been as a teenager with a cell phone. But back then we were just thankful for not being eaten for lunch by a Tyrannosaurus rex .

Little Girl Lost

I am looking forward to attending my first ever benefit dinner and auction for our local art guild. This is the same group who puts on the art show that Annie had art work in April. All three of the scholarship winners are special guests at the dinner and they each have the privilege to donate a piece of artwork for the benefit auction.

Tonight, when the lady came to pick out a piece of art work to auction, I was not surprised when she chose the painting of the little girl. What did surprise me was how much I wanted to hold on to it and not let it go. Then I found out that there is literally only three pieces of art up for auction. My mind is already working over time.

I wonder if I can afford to bid on little girl and bring her back home again.

coulda shoulda woulda

I can't make too many decisions without it turning into a big ordeal. Truth be told, I don't think I can make ANY decision without should I or shouldn't I? Should I keep it or return? Or should I go back and get it or just forget it? It drives my entire family nuts. (Myself included!)

Whenever there is a choice there is also an opportunity for failure. I don't want to make a mistake and because of my extreme black or white thinking, it is paralyzing for me to have to choose between two options of equal value. I want to pick the best choice but when there is no clear best, I am stuck. I get anxious trying to make a decision I won't regret. And it appears I regret almost everything.

I tend to agonize over decisions I made 25 years ago. Which is ridiculous because I am looking at those choices through 43 year old eyes instead of the eyes of the 18 year old I was then. I made the best choice for me at that time. I made choices based on my knowledge, maturity, resources, and support at the time. As much as I hate to admit it - I didn't know any better and there wasn't anybody to guide me in a different direction.

This brings me back to overgeneralizing... I am constantly telling myself that I never can make a good decision and that I am a terrible decision maker. That leads me to always regretting my choices.

Instead, this is what I need to say:

"I doubt that every decision I make is poor. If that were true, I'd be in jail. Everybody makes decisions they regret and occasional poor choices, but most of my decisions are good."

I looked to see what I was wearing today and it's not prison stripes so that confirms it. My choices can't be all bad. However, I am wearing a floral shirt that I agonized over. I couldn't decide on the blue stripe or the floral. So I let Randy pick. Good Grief!

This reminds me of a major decision (because any decision I make is major) I made last night. I suppose I will be keeping Wii Fit. I will not return it and I won't feel guilty about the purchase and I won't over analyze where the money could have been better spent or invested.

Enough said.

And if you are wondering - I'm not going back to Gap for the blue striped shirt, either. Or sending my mom to pick it up for me.

I can definitely tell that I am getting so much better at making decisions. Don't you think?

Flags of Frustration

Randy has worked very hard on our yard this spring. He finally has gotten grass to grow between our front sidewalk and the street. He used a bobcat and moved and rearranged dirt. And he roped everything off and planted grass. He watered and babied that grass. Since neither of us really has a green thumb it is a miracle that the grass actually came up and looks great! It is bright green and getting thicker every day.

A couple of days ago we noticed some utility flags in our yard. And then yesterday - red spray paint on the grass. A call to our local utility company confirmed what we already knew.

The utility company is digging up our yard to repair a water leak. Perfect timing. NOT!

However, it is a perfect time for me to practice my cognitive therapy. My life seems to give me plenty of opportunities to change my perspective. So, I will not overgeneralize. This is not one in a series of never ending miserable patterns in my life.

Oh! I kid. It's only grass and it's not that big of deal. What I'm unsure of is if we could ever get grass to grow again! I think it was just a fluke that it actually came up this year since the past three years we've had no such luck.

On the bright side - Randy is convinced that this will increase the water pressure in our old house. Ever the optimist - that guy is.

Cognitive Restructuring

Today is day one of tackling my neurotic perfectionism. This is intense therapy to change my destructive perfectionist tendencies, which, apparently, have already been passed onto all three of my children.

Here is what I'm tackling today:

All-or-nothing thinking: I look at everything as extremes. Things are either good or bad, with NOTHING in between.

So when I find myself in the slowest line at Wal-mart (which always happens) and I say, "I always pick the wrong line," (because I always do) I am going to tell myself,

"How nice to have a few minutes with nothing to do and nobody bothering me. I think I'll read a magazine." And if anybody who knows me is standing around me they will fall over with disbelieve that I can be so upbeat about waiting in line. They will think that some alien has taken over my speech.

I may be sending Randy to the store from now on because I think he always picks the shortest line. Unless I am with him - then we are in the longest line.

Tomorrows therapy? Overgeneralization. This is when something bad happens, I conclude that it is one in a series of never ending miserable patterns in my life. This is also true.

I may skip to Should statements: I think my house should always be neat. Instead, I am supposed to say, "I like my house to be neat, but if it's not, it's no big deal. There are worse things in the world than a messy house."

This may be much harder than I anticipated.

I sat beside you at church today.

Last night, I was whining to my brother about my life. A total ridiculous rant and pity party for myself. I was crying how I'm uneducated. I am inadequate as a mother. We should have made better financial choices the past 25 years. I just want to be able to pay for my kids college. I want a vacation. I feel so broke. blah blah blah. And all I wanted from him was affirmation that he thought I was stupid and made dumb choices, too .

Instead, he interrupted my meltdown with this life altering comment.

"DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO THE SERMON TODAY?"

Now he sounds just like his mother.

From Guitar Hero to Blogger!

Click here!

What's Happenin'?

I know. I know. You miss me. You miss hearing about my wild and crazy life and my even crazier thoughts. Well, here I am! Alive and kicking.

The past 7 days have been summer busy. Nothin' special about that. Everybody I talk to feels the same way about their summer schedule. Here are just some of my highlights.

• We had a "snow day" in June. Because of the storms in the area, everything was cancelled last night. VBS & Baseball. So, we made supper (something I hadn't done in who knows when) and then we loaded up and went to the coffee shop where Annie was working. She made me my new fave, a Milkyway. When her boss saw my drink he told me it was "pretty." She is so talented! Abe hung out with the Webkinz. When we came home, Randy hung a ceiling fan in our basement. Another project to cross off our list!
• Got together with the other girls to finalize plans for the twins shower coming up this weekend. Can hardly wait!
• I went shopping with a friend. She wanted to replace a pair of shoes her dog used as a chew toy and I needed shorts that didn't make me look like an over-the-hill-porn star. Target did not have her cute brown shoes and they were out of my size of the granny jean shorts. We still had lots of fun. I did get an awesome baby shower gift!
• Had coffee with my friend and heard all about her Florida vacation. Can you say jealous??!
• Abe went to VBS.
• Abe got a baby bunny. So this meant Randy had to build and paint a very fancy bunny box.
• Abe has a new babysitter this summer. He adores her. They are two peas in a pod. Abe checked out chapter books from the library (not from the kids section or even beginning reader chapter books - these are for for REAL READERS) and he has already started reading one! They have built a massive lego house. They love wii. I have had to put them on a budget, though because they both love the coffee shop a little too much. (Where on earth do you think he gets this from?) I think he will have a great summer. He is already looking forward to next summer when she can come back!
• Abe started a blog. He is about ready to pee his pants he is so excited. We haven't anytime to work on this week, though. Which frustrates him to know end.
• We ate dinner with another family at their house. She is a fabulous cook so I felt as if I had eaten at an expensive restaurant. She had some amazing Sangria that had all sorts of fresh fruit in it. I also gave their new baby not one but two bottles and then let her daddy change a very dirty diaper.
• Abe had a double header out of town. We didn't get home until after 10:00! It was hot and I was very tired but it was fun. He made it to base every time!
• Abe is a Black Belt!!
• We got a new TV. Well, it actually was my brothers. Which brother, you ask? Both of my brothers have used it. But it is newer and nicer than anything we have ever had. The problem was that it was very heavy. And then it didn't fit in my cupboard the way it should have. You know by now - if a project involves ME there will some sort of issue as to whether or not it will actually fit. And chances are good that it will not. The other problem is that Abe is the only one in my family who can work the remote. You know you are old when you need your kids to do your electronics. That would be us.
• We did i-chat with Abby, Jeff and Stella. That was so much fun. To see their cute little faces while we were talking.
• Had a great family dinner at the park. It was a surprise for my brothers birthday. He didn't seem all the surprised, however. It was a blast!
• My freezer if chalk full of fresh beef.
• We welcomed Annie home from her trip and did all of her laundry. I was teasing her last night about her terrible "jet lag". What is really wrong with her is that she wants to hop right back on that plane and take that trip over. And over. And over. Oh! It is hard to grow up. She is having to learn that every vacation has a first day. And then a last day. And then you come home to life.

To wrap up the week I am really hoping for PF Changs tomorrow night. Somebody (Randy, I won't mention your name, OK?) thinks we can't afford it. I on the other hand, feel you can't put a price on a date night. Am I right, girls?

Plus, I still need some granny jean shorts.

Graduation

He ain't heavy. He's my brother.

A letter to my brother.

Dear Tal,

Do you know what it does to a girl when she has a YOUNGER brother who turns 40? Well, let me tell you! It makes me feel old!

You have always had a special place in my heart. We have almost always gotten along fabulously. Except when I would win at Monopoly or play "Sonny" one too many times on my turntable. Do you remember how mad you would get at me, then? Or that one time that I threw the mustard bottle at you and the lid flew off while mom was at work? Besides that, I think we got along great!

You were such a trooper growing up. I would play cars and trucks with you and you would play Barbie’s with me. We won't mention what your Barbie's name was. Too much deja vu. Remember how we would play school and I would always get to be the teacher and you always were my student who I gave tons of homework to. Thanks for putting up with all my crazy boyfriends. What would a big sister be without all those boys, right? And thanks for eating all that weird food during my taste tests. I have the best memories of riding roller coasters and the KC Royals. And collecting 45’s, spying on the neighbors, camping, begging our parents for a pet and then I finally got a pet rock. I can't think of you without thinking of I Dream of Jeannie. The Flintstones. Toy Boy. Big Valley. ALCO and TG&Y. Petes Puddle. And our dishes at Clover Cliff. And going to the drive-in and going to rock concerts. We survived crazy babysitters and crazy teachers. We had those crazy made-up games. Remember beating the cars at Grandma B? And "Who has red hair?" And little people? And, darn, it, you should have made Babe Ruth!

Now that you are all grown up (well –that is a stretch) you are still my friend. You are my computer guy. I appreciate you being my cinematographer. I appreciate how you always remind me of things I have forgotten. I am thankful how you love my kids. You are so easy going and makes life fun. I love that I can share my past with you. And if I ever need to know the name of a song or who on earth sings it - I can count on you to know. You are the perfect middle child stuck in between your very high-strung siblings. Your children are blessed to call you "daddy."

I love you dearly and would not trade you for anything. Except maybe a sister and that isn't your fault. Chad was supposed to be a girl - remember? You did not want a baby brother and all I ever wanted was a little sister. Mom told both of us that baby was a girl! It all worked out in the end. You have a brother and I have two amazing brothers! I love how my brothers are friends. I also love how we all live so close we can get together on a whim. Thanks for moving back home!

Happy FORTY little brother!!

Love ya,
Sis